


Remembering's a Curse

by FiveLeafClover



Category: Casualty (TV)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-01
Updated: 2015-05-01
Packaged: 2019-05-19 11:19:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,164
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14872787
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FiveLeafClover/pseuds/FiveLeafClover
Summary: Ethan had to perform a pericardiocentesis, but then the panic sets in when he realises he is in the same position as his brother was 6 months previously. Will he be able to save his patient's life?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> [backdated fic, originally posted on fanfiction/net under the username InfinityAndOne, posted here 07/06/18]
> 
> I honestly can't get a specific scene from 'The Rita Supremacy' out of my head- the moment when Ethan has to do a pericardiocentesis…I mean; he did seem really nervous and unsure. I thought it could have been down to two reasons. A) He was doing a life-saving procedure without Zoe or Connie there to guide him, or B) He remembered that Cal had to do the same thing to him to save his life.
> 
> To be fair, Ethan was unconscious when Cal did it to him- but, if that is what happened, then he could have just been thinking that he was in the same position as Cal was 6 months previously. Yep, I'm banking on reason B here.
> 
> So, I decided to write that scene a little differently, where Ethan isn't so 'unflappable'- as he puts it.
> 
> Just a little note (aside from the above(!)), I've never written in the present tense before, so I hope it is okay.

"Agghh." Ethan immediately knows something is wrong when Joey groans in pain after trying to move. He said it- over and over again- not to move, and this is the result. Ethan orders Joey's girlfriend and her mother out of RECUS…they were the stupid people that caused him to move.

"He's tachycardic." Robyn reports to Ethan shaking her head. He knows something is gravely wrong. His stats aren't good, and he can't breathe properly.

"The hematoma is a lot more pronounced." He tuts aloud, wishing he could just turn back the clock. Ethan pulls down the top of Joey's gown and hears Robyn state something else.

"His BP and stats are dropping…" All Ethan wants to do is swear at this moment. He was alone with Robyn. Usually Connie or Zoe would be by him, guiding him. Now he had to do this by himself- praying he won't get it wrong. "His pulse is 140." She continues.

"Right, we need to do a repeat 12-lead ECG," He states, while listening to Joey's chest using the stethoscope that previously occupied his neck, "and do a fast scan of his chest. Did anyone send off cardiac enzymes?" He questions the only nurse there. Robyn nods.

"They went up with the bloods." She confirms, wondering just what Ethan was thinking was wrong with Joey. She too wished Zoe or Connie was there to help them.

After a few seconds silence and the continued fast beeping in the background, Ethan makes a discovery. He had to run through everything out loud just to confirm it. He looks at the monitors, and pushes his glasses further up his nose- Robyn knows he only does this when he is really nervous. "Alright, I defiantly saw some non-specific changes on his ECG," he says, "he's got a badly fractured… sternum, no pneumothorax…but he's… becoming dyspneic … and tachycardic…" Then Robyn says the word Ethan really didn't want to hear.

"Tamponed?" She suggests. He knows she's right, he knows what he had to do. He just doesn't want to do it. Then he remembers Cal telling him what happened on the day of the crash. He is in Cal's position right now. It's a life-saving procedure, and Ethan had to do it. He'd only done it a couple of times before- and under the supervision of consultants. If he doesn't do this, Joey won't make it. But, he can't do it. He's tried to stay away from things like this since the crash. But, he needs to. He just does.

"I'm going to need to do a pericardiocentesis and... basically hope I'm right…" He tells her, still fiddling with his stethoscope round his next. Robyn glances worriedly at the young doctor, letting out a breath and lowering the bed.

A couple of minutes later, and Joey's prepped. "Okay, that should be going numb now." Ethan states as confidently as he can to Joey, who seems to be struggling to stay awake. "Joey, this is the needle I'll be using to drain off…what I think is…a collection of blood around your heart. Okay?" He tells him. On seeing Joey nod, he braces himself.

He can't do it. He can't do this. He just can't.

On seeing Ethan pause completely, Robyn starts to feel scared for him. "You okay?" She questions cautiously. Ethan knew he couldn't tell Robyn the real reason his heart seems to be stopping.

"Yes, I just need to…see it through in my head." He replies, only giving the nurse a quick glance and smile. Then he has to do it.

"Alright…" He lowers the needle to Joey's chest, then pauses. He pauses completely, not even sure if he was breathing. The whole world seems to stop around him. He imagines what happened 6 months previously. If he were Cal and the person lying on the bed was him. A life-saving procedure that saved his own life.

"Ethan…" Robyn treads cautiously, noticing how the doctor seems to be completely still, staring at the needle in hand. "Ethan!" She says louder this time. He seems to nearly jump out of his skin as he retracts the needle away from Joey and looks up at her- worry swimming around in his eyes, behind his glasses. "What's wrong?" She has an idea about what he could be thinking. She knows that this same procedure was done on Ethan a mere 6 months ago, and saved his life. Could he be thinking the same thing?

Ethan puts the needle down and backs away ever so slightly, staring at both the needle and the monitor continuously. "He's throwing off some Vs…" Robyn tells him, unsure whether that would do any good. "Ethan, you need to do this." She persists. "Dr. Hardy!" Robyn calls him by that name in the hopes it would snap him out of whatever trance he was stuck in. Nothing. He backs away further still, removing his gloves and throwing them where the needle was.

Joey is declining, but so is Ethan. He is declining from reality as all he can remember is the crash. His memory flooding with images of that day. He can't stop it. Robyn was now growing increasingly worried for Ethan, and she knows she has to get another doctor- but that means leaving Joey. Robyn then sees Tash on the other side of RECUS, and calles for her- telling her to get Dylan and Cal. She did just that.

"Ethan, it will be okay…" Robyn reassures the doctor, who seems to be staring at the needle and backing away even further. Shaking wracked his young frame and there was nothing but fear on his face. He reached the wall, but wanted to back away further- still not taking his eyes off of the needle. Robyn saw Dylan and Cal enter. "Dylan, I need you to do a pericardiocentesis," Dylan just looked confusingly at Ethan, before prepping himself to do the procedure. "Cal…" Robyn gestures towards Ethan, and mouthed, 'the crash'. Cal knew what she means, and rushes to Ethan's side. Ethan didn't even seem to register that Cal was there. He watched as Dylan picked up the needle…then there was Cal.

Cal stands in Ethan's line of sight- realising what he had his eyes fixed on. "Ethan, Ethan can you hear me?" He notices how Ethan had zoned out completely from his surroundings. No answer from his little brother, Cal decides to try again. "Ethan!" He shouted louder. That seems to snap Ethan out of his trance. Only now did Cal realise that Ethan's breathing had sped up, and he was pale and shaking. One phrase sprung to Cal's mind. Panic attack. Ethan hadn't had them since they were children, and he knew Robyn was right about the crash theory.

Cal grabbs Ethan's hand, in turn feeling his wrist for a pulse. It isn't surprising that his pulse is racing. He just knows he has to get Ethan to calm down, and quickly.


	2. Chapter 2

"Ethan. Ethan look at me." Cal orders him soothingly. It takes a couple of seconds for Ethan to locate Cal's face. Cal has never seen Ethan this stressed in ages. "Ethan, you need to calm down." Cal persists. He sees Ethan's head tilt to the side as he tries to see Dylan doing the pericardiocentesis. "No, Ethan. Don't look there, okay? Keep looking at me." He continues in the same calming voice he uses for worried patients. He notices how tears start to build up in the corners of Ethan's eyes. This is when Cal knows something really is affecting Ethan. Ethan hasn't cried in god knows how long. "Ethan, just take nice deep breaths, okay?" He knows Ethan's breaths seem to be getting shallower and how Ethan's gaze slowly starts to drift into nothing, as if Ethan was drifting from reality.

Cal then notices how the beeping in the background gets slower- signaling the pericardiocentesis was a success, and Robyn approaches them, not that Ethan realises this. Cal turns to face Robyn, being wary that Ethan seems to be moving nearer the doors. "Panic attack." Cal whispers to Robyn, who nods in understanding. Cal whips his head back around to Ethan, and notices how detached he looks. "Ethan, Ethan, just keep looking at me, okay?" He persists calmly.

Ethan's gaze focuses on Cal, but he keeps thinking of the crash, and how he couldn't breathe, and the pain, and how Cal told him what happened after he lost consciousness, and how he nearly died. Cal kept his eyes on Ethan, knowing that his breathing isn't slowing, his shaking is wracking his whole body, and his pulse is through the roof. He heard Robyn mutter something behind him. "He's going to hyperventilate…" She trailed off. Cal just nods.

"Ethan, you're going to have to take some deep breaths, okay?" Cal knows he's not getting anywhere with Ethan, his gaze seems to be focusing and not focusing on his face. "Ethan, you're safe, okay? You're in the ED." He tries, and Ethan's gaze seems to only focus on Cal- and the focus stays there. "That's it, just try and slow your breathing for me, okay Ethan?" The panic swimming around in Ethan's eyes was major as he continued shaking violently. "Come on, Ethan. Just take some deep breaths." Ethan seems to be solely focused on Cal- something which Cal is overly grateful for. Cal can still feel Ethan's pulse- and it seems to be slowing slightly, as is his breathing. "You're doing really well, Ethan, just keep breathing deeply." By now, Dylan had walked out, and Robyn is still watching the scene unfold in front of her.

Slowly, Ethan feels the initial panic subside- but he still feels the pain he did 6 months previously. He knows someone- who sounds very distant- but is very close to him- is telling his to take deeps breaths. He tries, and tries, willing the pain away.

"You're going to be fine, Ethan." Cal reassures him- thankful that Ethan's panicked state is becoming less and less. Cal watches as Ethan slowly starts to return back to reality, as his shaking becomes less violent, his pulse slows and his breathing follows suit.

"Cal?" Ethan gasps, as if he is seeing Cal for the first time since Cal entered RECUS. Cal smiles- knowing that Ethan was finally calming down properly.

"You will be fine, Ethan. Okay? Just, keep breathing slowly." Cal tells him gently, putting his free hand on Ethan's shoulder by way of reassuring the younger man. Ethan is now fully aware of his breathing and tries- successfully- at slowing it down. "That's it, Ethan." Cal continues, before noticing that Robyn must have left sometime during that- as she was not stood behind them anymore.

Roughly half a minute later and Ethan seems to be lodged in reality. "You okay?" Cal tentatively asks his little brother. Upon receiving a nod, but no spoken answer, Cal suggests something. "Let's go outside, yeah? Get some fresh air?" Another nod from Ethan, and he allows himself to be led outside. Cal and Ethan sit on the peace garden bench, and Ethan leans back, closing his eyes, and letting the cool wind take away his thoughts.

Cal's voice snaps him out of his trance, and he sits up properly. "What happened?" He questions wearily, wondering whether Ethan will answer him. Cal knew himself- but not about what Ethan was thinking at the time.

"I-I had to do a p-pericardiocentesis." Ethan stutters to Cal, looking straight ahead into the distance. "I-I t-thought I w-would be able t-to do it." He admits. "But, I c-couldn't." Ethan turns to face Cal, and Cal knows how hard it must have been for him. He, himself has been wary about doing it- but has managed. However, along with how nervous Ethan still seems- it must have been a terrible moment.

"It's okay, Ethan. It's over." Cal reassures him. Ethan turns back to looking at the distance, and continues with what he was saying.

"What of I-I have to do it a-again?" He asks Cal, unsure what would happen if he, indeed, has to do it in the near future. "I just k-kept thinking that, well, y-you had to do the same thing to me…" His voice becomes quieter as he finishes his explanation. Cal places his hand across Ethan's shoulders drawing him in nearer, and Ethan looks at him- properly.

"You won't have to do anything you don't want to Ethan. I know it must be hard- hell, I even struggle doing it, but it will be easier- in time." He tells his little brother. Ethan seems to accept this as he- uncharacteristically- rests his head on Cal's shoulder- trying to find what little comfort he could get.

In turn, Cal takes to resting his head on Ethan's, also hoping for some comfort in this action. Neither of them said anything, neither had to. They knew that they would be there for each other afterwards.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A slightly cheesy ending- but everyone likes them!
> 
> Okay, so that is the end of 'Remembering's a Curse'. Thank you for the reviews, favourites and follows. I have to say, I love reading the reviews! They make my day!
> 
> I don't know whether any of you think this, but doesn't 'little' seem more vulnerable than 'younger'? Like, when I want Ethan to be vulnerable and scared, I say 'little brother' instead. Just a thought!
> 
> Anyway, thanks again!

**Author's Note:**

> Chapter 2 shall be up, hopefully, tomorrow, and it should end in chapter 2. Please review?


End file.
